The Cutest Couple

BRUCE: And now, please welcome to the stage Spin the Bottle’s cutest couple: Paul Gude and Ben Laurance!

[PAUL and BEN enter. PAUL lofts Marshmallows to BEN, who hits them into the audience with a bat.]

PAUL: Okay, what the fuck is that?

[BEN doesn’t say anything. He just keeps hitting marshmallows into the audience.]

PAUL: What is that about us being a couple?

[BEN still is silent.]

PAUL [to audience:] Look, we’re comedy partners. We’re not a “couple”. There’s a biiiig difference.

[JOSEF laughs from offstage. He enters. BEN continues to hit marshmallows into audience.]

PAUL and BEN: Josef K!

JOSEF: That’s right! [to audience:] I’m Josef K! Writer. Conversationalist. Raging Homosexual.

[Pause while JOSEF stares into the audience, proud of himself. PAUL and BEN look at him, at each other, shrug.]

PAUL: What’s up, Josef?

JOSEF: I’m here to prove to you that you and Ben ARE a couple.

PAUL: We’re not a couple!

JOSEF: What did you do yesterday?

PAUL: Ben and I hung out.

JOSEF: What did you do just before you came to the show tonight?

PAUL: Ben and I had dinner.

JOSEF: What are you going to do tomorrow?

PAUL: I don’t know. [to BEN:] Wanna go see a movie or something? [BEN nods, hits marshmallows into audience.]


PAUL: But we’re not a GAY couple.

JOSEF: Well, I have the perfect test to see if you’re gay. [JOSEF walks up to PAUL:] Will you go out with me?


JOSEF: You’re right! You’re not gay. [To audience:] At this point, Paul and Ben could not think of an ending to this horrible “bit,” so they asked me if I could write them something good. [Takes out pages.] I wrote three whole pages of a fabulous political allegory full of witty dialogue and fascinating characters, but Paul and Ben didn’t want to memorize the whole thing.

[PAUL and BEN put on pig masks]

JOSEF: So instead I’m going to read it while they start hugging the audience. We’re going to play some music, and when the music stops, whoever Ben is hugging gets a candy bar. And whoever Paul is hugging gets a date with me, Josef K. Cue music!

[PAUL and BEN scamper into the audience while JOSEF reads his text. As the pigs are hugging audience members, JOSEF indicates to PAUL who to hug. When the music ends, BRUCE gives the person BEN is hugging a candy bar. PAUL ends up hugging JOSEF.]

JOSEF: Get off of me, you faggot.

[Lights out]

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