Market Research Theatre

[PAUL and BEN enter. PAUL carries a clipboard. They address the audience.]

PAUL: In order to improve the Paul and Ben Slot at Spin the Bottle, audience reaction was measured and modifications enacted to reflect these preferences. We now present to you the Paul and Ben Slot – audience favorite edition. The first thing audiences felt would improve the Paul and Ben Slot is “less Paul and Ben.” Audiences also enjoy looking at pretty girls more than a couple of dorks. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Molly!

[MOLLY enters, stands next to PAUL, takes his clipboard, and begins reading.]

MOLLY: Audiences like it when Paul is fed marshmallows. People enjoy seeing Paul slap his ass. Tonight, I will feed Paul marshmallows while he slaps his ass. Audiences enjoy candy being thrown at them, but not from Paul’s pants. So Ben will be throwing candy into the audience from this bucket of shoes. Audiences also respond strongly to Ben getting hit in the face with pillows. Hard. Really hard. Like, in-the-face hard.

BEN: Wait a minute, you mean when WE get hit in the face with pillows.

MOLLY: No. When Paul gets hit in the face with pillows, it makes people sad. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage to throw pillows at Ben, Jason!

[JASON enters, stands next to BEN.]

BEN:¬†Uh… hang on a sec…

MOLLY: Audiences also prefer loud obnoxious Japanese noise music, so CUE MUSIC!

[Music starts. MOLLY stuffs marshmallows into PAUL’s mouth while he slaps his ass. At the same time, JASON chases BEN around the stage throwing pillows at him, while BEN tosses candy into the audience from a bucket.]

BEN: Whoa! Stop! Stop! Wait!

[BEN is nailed in the head with a pillow.]

BEN: Crimeny! I can’t believe THIS is what people want to see! Who was in charge of collecting the feedback anyway?

[Everybody looks at PAUL.]

PAUL: [through a mouthful of marshmallows] I was as surprised as anyone, Ben, but the people have spoken.

[EVERYBODY moans.]

PAUL: What?

[MOLLY closes the bag of marshmallows and exits in a huff. BEN puts the bucket of shoes over PAUL’s head. JASON winds up to hit PAUL with the pillow.]

BEN: Goodnight, everybody!

[JASON hits BEN with the pillow.]

BEN: Hey!

JASON: You know, he’s right. It IS more fun hitting you.

BEN: Yipe!

[BEN runs in circles. JASON chases him.]

PAUL: Goodnight, everybody!

[Slow blackout.]


“Paul Gude and Ben Laurence (sic) delivered a scene of chaos involving marshmallows, butt-slapping, candy from a bucket of shoes thrown into the audience, a pillow fight, a pretty girl, and raucous music – great fun!” -Joe Boling, TPS Online

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