Hai Kee Do

[The action of this piece begins without an introduction, immediately following the preceding piece – preferably Sgt. Rigsby.]

[As Sgt. Rigsby is breaking down, PAUL and BEN enter, wearing helmets and protective gear and carrying whiffle bats (or other such items of mild blunt trauma).]

PAUL: Jaye? Are you ready for us?

BEN: Hey Scot.

SCOT: Hi Ben.

PAUL: Ben, come on. We only have two minutes to tech.

BEN: Oh, sorry.

PAUL: So Jaye, we’re going to come out after Bruce introduces us, you can just keep the lights how they are.

BEN: I’ll say “Hi, I’m Ben.”

PAUL: And I’ll say “I’m Paul.”

BEN: Pause for laughter.

PAUL: We’ll banter back and forth.

BEN: I’ll have my ukulele handy. Don’t forget your concertina.

PAUL: Right. Concertina.

BEN: Then we’ll do something crazy.

PAUL: Wacky.

BEN: We don’t know what though.

PAUL: Then we’ll start the song. We’re gonna do Billy Idol’s “White Wedding”.

BEN: A funny “White Wedding”.

PAUL: Yeah, it’ll be good. The audience will really dig it.

BEN: God I hope so.

PAUL: And then we’ll end. Lights out.

BEN: Got that, Jaye?

JAYE: Um, what?

PAUL: Awesome!

BEN: Okay, we’re done.

[PAUL and BEN take a seat in the audience. BRET enters, irritated.]

BRET: What the fuck are you two doing?

PAUL: Teching our piece for tomorrow’s Spin the Bottle.

BEN: Yeah.

BRET: But Spin the Bottle is tonight!

BEN: Isn’t today Thursday?

BRET: Yes, it’s on Thursday this month. Don’t tell me you think we’re all here to watch you tech, do you?

[PAUL and BEN gaze out into the audience. They re-enter the stage.]

PAUL: Oops.

BRET: And just what the fuck are you wearing?

[RICHARD speaks from the audience and enters the stage during the following:]

RICHARD: I can answer that, Bret. Paul and Ben here are under my tutelage, and every Thursday I train them in the Hai-kee-do method of personal protection and assault I learned while studying abroad in the mid-seventies.

BRET: Japan?

RICHARD: No, Moses Lake.

BRET: Would you care to demonstrate this training?

RICHARD: It would be my pleasure. But I must warn you Bret, as well as you out there in theatre-land that this is a highly technical training method and should not, under any circumstances, be executed at home or at work without proper supervision by a Hai-kee-do sensai such as myself. Let us begin. Hah!

[PAUL and BEN snap to attention.]


[PAUL and BEN assume a Tai-Chi-style pose of defense.]

RICHARD: Hit him!

[PAUL hits BEN with his bat.]

RICHARD: Harder!

[PAUL hits BEN harder.]

RICHARD: Hit him! Hit him! Hit him! Kick his ass! Fuck him up!

[PAUL wails on BEN until he is on the ground in a fetal position.]

RICHARD: Okay, you may stop now.

[PAUL continues to hit BEN.]

RICHARD: I said stop! Hah!

[PAUL snaps to attention.]

BRET: That’s unbelievable.

RICHARD: Would you like to try?

BRET: But I’m not a certified sensai.

RICHARD: Fuck that. You wanna hit him, don’t you?

[BRET grabs PAUL’s bat and starts whacking BEN, still on the floor.]

BRET: Whack! Whack! Whack!

RICHARD: You’ve done this before.

[BRET takes a moment to wipe his brow.]

BEN: This sucks.

RICHARD: What’s that?

BEN: I said this sucks.

RICHARD: Congratulations Ben, you’ve ascended to the next level in your Hai-kee-do training.

BEN: [standing up] What’s that?

RICHARD: Fending off three attackers.

[RICHARD picks up two more bats, hands one to PAUL, and the three of them chase BEN off stage, hitting him.]

[Lights out.}

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