BEN: Before we start the show there are just a few things I need to tell you. In the event of a fire, you can exit out the way you came in, or you can go around the bleachers to the fire exit behind you, down to the relative safety…
[PAUL enters carrying armloads of water bottles]
of the alley… Paul, I’m trying to do the curtain speech here.
PAUL: Sorry I’m late.
BEN: Did you pay for all that?
PAUL: …define ‘pay’.
BEN: Define pay? [to audience] Does anybody have a dictionary? You, sir, do you have a dictionary on you?
PLANT: Why yes I do. [hands BEN a dictionary]
[BEN hits PAUL with dictionary. Afterwards, they both take a bow.]
BEN: Thank you, thank you! Paul Gude as the “Inconsiderate Asshole Who Comes in Late Even Though the only Entrance to the Theatre Is Upstage Center of the Performer.” Let’s give him a hand.
PAUL: Thank you.
BEN: I’d like to get serious for a moment. Although there are some considerations we need to make due to the new space, there are also some BONUSES we can consider as well.
PAUL: Like what, Ben?
BEN: Well, Paul, since we’re in a theatre space instead of a dance studio, we can do things in here that we couldn’t do at our old space.
BEN: That’s right. [feeds PAUL a marshmallow] We can wear shoes now. And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good to be wearing shoes again.
PAUL: We can also smoke!
[PAUL and BEN both take out cigarettes]
BEN: Yes, but unfortunately, neither of us smoke.
[They throw their cigarettes away]
PAUL: And we can also do the water trick!
BEN: The water trick is a lot of fun, but we’re not going to do it tonight…
[PAUL gulps water and spits it at BEN]
…because it’s really messy.
PAUL: And there’s one more thing we can do here that we couldn’t do in the old space.
[noise music starts]
[PAUL and BEN run around the space throwing pillows at each other until music cuts out.]
PAUL and BEN: Aw… Jaye? Come on!
JAYE: Sorry, that was long enough.
BEN: Oh well… I’m so glad we’re able to do that now. We’re really happy to be in this new space.
PAUL: And since we’re no longer in the dance studio, you know what that means, Ben?
BEN: What, Paul?
PAUL: Now we can finally date girls from our own theatre company.
BEN: No Paul, I’m afraid we still can’t do that.
[PAUL and BEN both look at the girls in the audience and sigh.]