Scenes from Fatherhood – Parts 1 and 2

[Dark stage.]

Voice-over: Previously on the Gude/Laurance experience.

[Lights up. Ben is on stage, Paul is walking off.]

Ben: And don’t come back until you have a fucking baby!

[Lights out.]

Voice-over: We now return you to a very special Gude/Laurance experience.

[Lights up. Ben is sitting, typing on a laptop.]

Ben: February 4th, 2006. 3:42 am. Dear blog. I yelled at Paul today. I feel *kind* of bad about that. Also, I think I just phoned in this month’s Spin the Bottle. Honestly, it sucked. Anyway, goodnight blog. Uh… current mood… bouncy.

[Paul enters.  Paul is reading from a script.]

Paul: Hey, Ben.

Ben: Hey.

[Paul shakes his head.]

Ben: What?

[Paul hands Ben a script.]

Ben: Oh!

[Paul exits. Comes back.]

Paul: Hey, Ben.

Ben: (From Script) Hey, Paul.

Paul: That’s right. Your friend and comedy partner, Paul Gude.

Ben: What’s going on?

Paul: This is the only way I can talk to you right now. My wife had her baby.

Ben: So, you can do the show?

Paul: Yes. Sort of. I think I’m doomed like all of those stand-up comedians who have babies. I’m going to write about being a father until my kid’s well into her twenties.

Ben: It can’t be that bad, can it?

Paul:  Scenes from Fatherhood.  Part one.  “What I thought I was saying.”

Ben: Welcome to Arby’s! How can I help you?

Paul: Hi, yes. I went through your drive-through with my wife, her mother, and our newborn, and when we got home, we noticed that we were missing two sandwiches.

Ben: So you need the two missing sandwiches?

Paul: Actually, we’d like everything, due to the fact that all the other food is old now.

Ben: Why did you bring the food back?

Paul: To prove that I’m not just trying to cheat you out of food. The additional sandwich is for my mother-in-law.  Can you help me out?

Ben: Sure.

Paul: Scenes from Fatherhood.  Part two.  “What I actually was saying.”

Ben: Welcome to Arby’s! How can I help you?

Paul: Hi, I’m a drive-through. Customer. I’m the customer, and they weren’t there.  And now I’m back to here for getting the food that I was paying for without getting them. Because, it’s
for the mother and the grandma and it’s so tired. So if you could, I have a sheet. A receipt, and the sandwiches. . . these. . .

Ben: So you need the two missing sandwiches?

Paul: Well, it’s not good now because it’s old and bad food because I took it to you to show, because it’s a new baby and we are tired and so I brought this for it. (Shakes bag.)

Ben: Why did you bring the food back?

Paul: I’m a customer who is deserving sandwiches and brought them to show you that this sandwich was here, and the other two weren’t. Just like I have seen it myself, you can tell the
sandwiches weren’t there because this one is and I’m not cheating!  It’s for grandmas!

Ben: Sure.

Paul: So yeah, that’s what I’m working with these days.

Ben: Aren’t you going to be late for work?

Paul: For all I know, I’m already at work.

[Paul exits. Ben sits typing on a laptop.]

Ben: Friday, March 3rd, 2006. 11:23pm. Dear Blog. Spin the Bottle got off to a late start again. I don’t know what we can do about that. [pause]. Oh yeah, Paul and Jen had their baby. That’s fucked up, but I guess Paul can come back now. Current mood: Drunk!

[Lights out.]

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