[Ben and Paul are introduced. Ben has a clipboard from which he reads a lot of his lines.]
Ben: First of all, I ordered a monkey. This is OBVIOUSLY an ape. Not only that, but the only thing it seems trained to do is set up METH LABS! I’m very disappointed.
[Paul holds up a strange device and turns it on.]
[Lights change]
Ben: Welcome back to your monthly debrief. Under you chairs you’ll find the control word for the rest of march. If you do not have a control word, this means you’re under Black Alpha protocols, and your control word is…(checks notes)…HAYSEED.
[Confederates snicker.]
Ben: Look, I don’t pick the control words. Who picks the control words?
Confederates: Control picks the control words.
Ben: Damn right.
Paul: Wait a second. Who picks the control words?
Confederates: Control picks the control words.
[Paul starts to examine the STRANGE DEVICE.]
Ben: I understand that we have members of our [SOME CITY FROM WHICH YOU OR THE CONFEDERATES KNOW SOMEONE IS VISITING FROM] branch here today. We may not have [THAT PERSON’S PROFESSION] cover stories here, but we still know how to have a good time. Hip hip?
Confederates: Hooray!
Ben: Now, we’re going to be giving a few of you car trouble so that we can outfit you with-
Paul: Hip hip?
Confederates: Hooray!
Paul: Ben, can I talk to you for a second?
[Ben and Paul confer.]
Ben: Okay, who stopped using the control words? Don’t be shy. It won’t affect your rank.
Paul: We’ve explained this before. It takes a while for the words to build up in your system. If you stop using the control words, it could take months for them to get to the proper levels.
Ben: I think they get it.
Paul: That affects your water tower access, your veil clearance, and your selective memory.
Ben: Okay. Calm down tiger.
[Ben puts on the yellow lab suit.]
Paul: It just pisses me off.
Ben: Look, if you’re going to rant, do it telepathically.
Paul: If they haven’t been using their control words, they won’t HEAR me.
Ben: Our time’s almost up.
Paul: Fine.
[Paul makes an angry face.]
Confederates: OW!!! (etc.)
Ben: Okay, looks like we’re all set. Remember, when the selective memory kicks in, you’ve just seen the funniest sketch ever.
Paul: I’m disappointed in you, [NAME OF SOMEONE IN CROWD WHO DOESN’T KNOW ME].
[Paul turns on the strange device.]
[Lights change]
Ben: Well, that’s the last time I “monkey around” with the drug business!
[Ben and Paul high-five.]
[Lights out]
