[Ben and Paul are introduced. Ben has a clipboard from which he reads a lot of his lines.]

Ben: First of all, I ordered a monkey. This is OBVIOUSLY an ape. Not only that, but the only thing it seems trained to do is set up METH LABS! I’m very disappointed.

[Paul holds up a strange device and turns it on.]

[Lights change]

Ben: Welcome back to your monthly debrief. Under you chairs you’ll find the control word for the rest of march. If you do not have a control word, this means you’re under Black Alpha protocols, and your control word is…(checks notes)…HAYSEED. 

[Confederates snicker.]

Ben: Look, I don’t pick the control words. Who picks the control words?

Confederates: Control picks the control words.

Ben: Damn right.

Paul: Wait a second. Who picks the control words?

Confederates: Control picks the control words.

[Paul starts to examine the STRANGE DEVICE.]

Ben: I understand that we have members of our [SOME CITY FROM WHICH YOU OR THE CONFEDERATES KNOW SOMEONE IS VISITING FROM] branch here today. We may not have [THAT PERSON’S PROFESSION] cover stories here, but we still know how to have a good time. Hip hip?

Confederates: Hooray!

Ben: Now, we’re going to be giving a few of you car trouble so that we can outfit you with-

Paul: Hip hip?

Confederates: Hooray!

Paul: Ben, can I talk to you for a second?

[Ben and Paul confer.]

Ben: Okay, who stopped using the control words? Don’t be shy. It won’t affect your rank.

Paul: We’ve explained this before. It takes a while for the words to build up in your system. If you stop using the control words, it could take months for them to get to the proper levels.

Ben: I think they get it.

Paul: That affects your water tower access, your veil clearance, and your selective memory.

Ben: Okay. Calm down tiger.

[Ben puts on the yellow lab suit.]

Paul: It just pisses me off. 

Ben: Look, if you’re going to rant, do it telepathically. 

Paul: If they haven’t been using their control words, they won’t HEAR me.

Ben: Our time’s almost up.

Paul: Fine.

[Paul makes an angry face.]

Confederates: OW!!! (etc.)

Ben: Okay, looks like we’re all set. Remember, when the selective memory kicks in, you’ve just seen the funniest sketch ever.

Paul: I’m disappointed in you, [NAME OF SOMEONE IN CROWD WHO DOESN’T KNOW ME]. 

[Paul turns on the strange device.]

[Lights change]

Ben: Well, that’s the last time I “monkey around” with the drug business!

[Ben and Paul high-five.]

[Lights out]

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